No Better Words

There’s something I’ve been trying For so long to understand How I could tell you what I wanted & you’d tell me what I meant

You said I was playing games Said you knew why you were there Said I wanted what you wanted Like my voice was yours to share

You made my “no” a question Something you could redefine Like you knew what I was wanting Better than this voice of mine

But accepting what I told you Would’ve meant accepting this In that moment I didn’t want you & you couldn’t handle it

Accepting no meant facing That I didn’t want what you did You could’ve sat with the rejection But instead you pushed against it

I spent so long searching For the words I failed to find Like there had to be some sentence That could make you respect mine

There was no better way to say no I’d already made it clear The hardest part was realizing You didn’t misunderstand me You just didn’t want to hear

Told you I didn’t trust you You promised nothing more Said you wouldn’t cross that line So I let you through my door

Every promise turned to pressure Every limit became a test You’d reassure me when I pulled away Then see what you could get

I thought your promises meant safety But I was never in control You could hear my limits & still decide how far you’d go

That wasn’t misunderstanding That wasn’t me changing my mind I trusted what you promised Then you crossed the promised line

I kept searching for the moment I could’ve somehow made you stop Like your choice was the consequence Of something I forgot

I replayed every moment Looking for where I went wrong Turned hindsight into evidence That the blame was mine all along

Why didn’t anger find me? Why could I still let you stay? Why could I laugh beside you Then fall apart when you were away?

Why did my fear come later? Why couldn’t I face it then? I spent too long judging my silence Instead of judging what you did

Next time I’ll make it clearer Next time I’ll leave no room for doubt Next time I’ll find the sentence That finally makes you back down

There was no magic sentence No perfect phrase Nothing I could’ve said Would’ve made you change I never needed better words

My first no Was enough. I spent so long grading my reaction Like pain had rules I had to meet Like I needed some performance To make what happened count for me

There was never an audition For my boundary to deserve respect

Understanding me Was never the problem

Respecting me was.

There was no better way to say no I’d already made it clear The hardest part is knowing That you really did hear

You didn’t misunderstand me You didn’t miss the signs You heard exactly what I wanted & decided yours mattered more than mine

There was no missing sentence No version left to prove Where your decision becomes Something I made you do

I’m finally done Searching for my failure

In a choice That belonged To you.