Inside My Head

“Inside My Head” is about what it would feel like if someone could actually step inside my mind and hear everything that happens there. From the outside, I can look completely fine. Inside, there can be ten conversations happening at once. I replay things people said. I analyze what they meant. I notice changes in tone, pauses, distance, and things that never got said at all. I can rehearse conversations that haven't happened and revisit ones that ended hours ago.

That's where the title comes from. Welcome inside my head. I wrote this song because I wanted to explain that overthinking isn't always simply thinking too much. Sometimes underneath all that thinking is a search for certainty. Are we okay? Did something change? Did I do something wrong? Are you leaving? When you've learned to pay close attention to changes in connection, silence can start feeling like information you're supposed to decode.

That's why the line, “I read the space between your words like it's written in red,” means so much to me. I became very good at reading what wasn't being said. But there's an exhausting side to that. I can start carrying another person's emotions before they've even told me what they're feeling. I can interpret their silence, create explanations, and take responsibility for something that may not belong to me at all. And sometimes my mind can turn uncertainty into certainty before I actually have enough information. That's something I'm learning too. Feeling afraid doesn't automatically mean the thing I'm afraid of is happening. But that doesn't mean I have to shame myself for wanting clarity either.

The line, “I don't need perfect, I need real,” represents that distinction. I don't need someone to constantly reassure me that nothing will ever go wrong. I don't need another person to regulate every emotion I have. I need relationships where questions are allowed. Where honesty isn't something I have to extract. Where silence isn't used instead of communication. Where I don't have to make myself smaller because having emotional needs might make someone leave.

For a long time, I thought the answer was becoming less sensitive. Less emotional. Less observant. Less affected. But the ending of this song isn't about becoming less of anything. It's about finally saying what I actually need: “I don't need saving, I need respect. I don't need fixing, I just need depth.” I don't want someone to rescue me from my own mind. I'm learning how to understand it myself. What I want is somewhere I don't have to constantly perform being okay. Somewhere I can ask instead of assume. Somewhere another person's emotions remain theirs to communicate instead of mine to decode. Somewhere I can be unguarded without becoming responsible for everything around me. Because underneath all the thoughts, analysis, and noise, what I'm looking for is actually incredibly simple. I want a place I can exhale.